Life, The Universe, and Nothing: 2011

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Strippers, Hooters, and social commentary

First, another sign of a decaying society: I replied to someone's
facebook post. Someone else replied with some nonsense that was a
combination of hip-hop jargon and what appeared to be a remedial "Hooked
on Phonics" course. Naturally, being both educated and functionally
literate, I replied "I would reply to that post; unfortunately I am not
fluent in gibberish. Kindly translate it into the Queen's English
please." No response. Judging by the current generation's attitude
towards grammar, the apostrophe and capitalization will disappear
completely from use within 20 years. The tragedy of this is, however,
counterbalanced by the hilarity one finds in the fact that some
anthropologist 1000 years from now is going to see this garbage and
scratch his head wondering exactly how stupid civilization became.

Funnier than this: Some stripper was gyrating on some fat dude's lap.
Someone, and I won't name names (who ate Mexican food) walked past and
fired off a silent but deadly one. Then he sat down at his chair and watched as the look on the stripper's face went from feigned lust to genuine disgust. Best of all, the poor fat dude getting the dance likely took the blame for the atmospheric pollution.

Of course, no weekend is complete without Hooters antics.
The only Feat of Engineering this week was the prototype for a back and ass hair dryer. Of course, this increases the risk of back and ass hair split ends (which would probably make one even more wooly than one was), however, this does increase the market for back and ass hair styling products. If you're going to have a hairy back, you might as well have one that's healthy, full bodied, and glows.

Then a group of fat people showed up at Hooters. Like 15 of them. They
averaged about 260, with the skinny one being about 230 on a 5'4 frame.
So, I'm sitting there watching this spectacle and I said to the bartender "Know what we call that in Texas?" She said "No". I said "A herd......Just you wait, 5 minutes from now some dude with a rope will show up riding a horse." This was funny. Not as funny as if the theme from Rawhide played, but still funny.

I'm no fan of fat people. One, I used to be fat, but I did something about it. I lost some freakin' weight! Two, I saw a picture of a dude in Africa. This dude was carrying a spear and wearing basically a piece of cloth around his goodies. And the women, they couldn't scrape up enough fabric to run around with their chest covered either. First America's lardasses eat all the world's food, now they're hogging the world's fabric! How come Bono doesn't do a concert for this? There's no reason why the women of Africa need to wear a bra sized 44 long.

More Maricopa Follies!

After his run on "Beavis and Butthead" ended, and finding the opportunities for one who is typecast as a teenage ignoramus, Butthead began a downward spiral that culminated in his arrest by the MCSO.

Carlton, finally sick and tired of all the ribbing he got for his
dancing to Tom Jones' "It's not unusual", finally went berserk and
assaulted the Fresh Prince outside a Phoenix nightclub.

Cops finally realized that the whole loveable doofus bit was just and
act and discovered that Sloth was really the brains behind the Fratelli
gang and arrested him.

This woman was arrested for indecent exposure simply for walking outside
the house. Officers broke the case by following a trail of vomit that
led to her location and subsequent arrest.

MCSD's gang task force states this individual is a member of the Barnum
and Bailey Crips, a gang of racketeering clowns.

You must be one bad dude if you're arrested for being who you are:

He was forging Kid Rock's name.

Flounder from Animal House.

Harry Potter was arrested for Gambling on Quidditch...

There's all kinds of nasty comments to be made about this one:

Yes, her name is "Crystal Ball":

This was his yearbook photo too:

.......And the Jailie award for most creative use of a disguise in the
commission of a felony goes to:

Friday, December 23, 2011

Maricopa Follies!